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10 January 2019 - 11:05 a.m.
i haven't been here in a really long time. so much has changed, yet so much remains the same. my dad passed away last january. i've dealt with it fairly well, until now. i broke down in the shower just now. i miss my dad so much.
i feel sad.
i feel invisible.
i feel like, for the first time in my life, i am barely getting by.
i work as a consultant, so my income goes up and down, but it's nowhere it could be if i went back to work full time.
but my husband seem threatened when i talk about going back to "a real job." he knows my real job would impede on his freedom to do whatever he wants, whenever he wants. i'm the best of everything. i work to pay my half of the rent and bills, and i am the live-in babysitter.
don't get me wrong. i love my children.and i am blessed to be around daily to nurture them and watch them grow. but i am bitter. and i feel like i am going to erupt soon.
i know i should look at all i do have, not all i do not. but i'm spiraling and everything looks grim.
i hate the fact that i have lots of money in the bank, yet still feel like buying a house would milk me dry.
i hate throwing my money away to rent.
i hate that i don't feel like making this rental house a home.
i hate that my daughter is 9 years old and my son almost 4, and still do not have a home.
i hate that my husband spends so much money. i know he is in massive debt, though i don't know how much. and i hate that he lies to me by omission.
i hate my diet.
i hate my weight.
i hate my lack of connection to anything or anyone.
i feel so alone.
i want out. but i don't have the courage or strength to do it.