20 August 2014 - 2:40 p.m.

dear diary,

it's been a while. a long time, really.

here, in this diary, i documented my first miscarriage. i don't think i talked about my second one, which happened nine months after the first.

that was 11 months ago. one day before our four year wedding anniversary.

i was 40. and it seemed like my last chance to have another baby...

alas, i am pregnant again!!! just about eight weeks along. and i just returned from the doctor, where i saw a heartbeat! an ity-bity, barely distinguishable heartbeat. but a heartbeat, nonetheless.

this is the furthest along i've been in a pregnancy since i was pregnant with baby girl. my doctor says everything looks good so far. and the only "concern" is my age. i'm 41 years old.

fortyfuckingoneyearsold.

(something about having a few gray pubic hairs and being pregnant seems weird.)

i am cautiously hopeful. but really too scared to start daydreaming about if it's a he or she (if it's not a she, baby girl will be devastated). i do know this baby will be an aries (like me). a fire sign. baby girl is a sagittarius. another fire sign. lord help us!

i've told some friends i was pregnant but didn't know if it was viable. until i'm further along, i don't think i'll confirm my pregnancy with anyone, aside from hubby and my sister.

in the next four weeks, there's a 5% chance of miscarriage. i will be holding my breath. in fact, i'm quite certain i'll be on edge through the entire pregnancy.

since learning i was pregnant, i've told myself (and in having secret conversations with god) that it's in his hands.

i've never been religious, though i do believe there is a god. and now, more than ever, is the time for me to give control over to him.

please god, let me have a healthy pregnancy and baby.

cali

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have you read these?

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10 January 2019

have i lost you, diary?
08 December 2016

oh, and it's a boy.
09 January 2015

old mom
20 August 2014

break-up
21 October 2013