 |
|
newest
~ older ~ e-mail ~
profile
~ notes
~ guestbook
~ diaryland |
27 August 2008 - 4:43 p.m. dear diary, i had a reality check last week. i realized that gay-ex's son will be starting college this fall. yep. the little boy i last saw when he was six years old turns 18 next month. and he is off to a really exceptional university on the east coast. don't ask me how i know this. (i'm too ashamed to admit it.) just take my word for it. that little boy - i mean, grown man - he's off to the big city. all this means that his younger sister is a senior in high school. the little girl who never wanted anything more that to be just like her daddy's girlfriend, dress just like me in her "caligirl dress" (a denim dress that looked similar to the one i wore often that summer of 1996)...she's, like, practically grown up herself. gulp. last weekend, i broached this subject with my boyfriend. i'd been dying to talk about it - about the feelings of sadness that still plague me - and he was just the one who was around. maybe my current boyfriend isn't the right one to discuss it with...i mean, why would he want to hear about my feelings of sadness over the ex-boyfriend and his kids? well, i took a chance. i kept my comments limited. i said something like, "ya, i still get sad sometimes when i think about his kids. i mean, they were little kids last time i saw them and now they are 17- and 18 years old!" "curious. not...sad?" he corrected/questioned me. i didn't have the heart to tell him i really meant "sad". "sad" indicates that there is a part of me, no matter how small, that still can not let go of my ex, and his kids, and my past. and... i hate to admit it, but it is true. i miss what once was. i miss his kids. and i miss him. maybe not the "him" he is now. but the "him" he was when i first met him. that year with him may have been the happiest time of my life. it wasn't all because of him. this i know. it was just a time when all my ducks lined up in a row, all the planets aligned, everything just came together in a way that filled me with one disgustingly incredible year of bliss. i haven't experienced that exact feeling ever since. i spend (too much) time wondering "what if?" "what if he chose me?" "what if i'd married him?" "what if i'd moved to NY with him while he attended graduate school?" "what if i'd helped him raise his - our - kids?" the grass is always greener, right? i know that my life-without-him experiences have been so much more exciting and inspiring and educational than that "what if" life could have provided me. but, for some reason, i just can't let go. i guess he is just the one who will never escape my head. and my heart. cali |
have
you read these? god giveth and god taketh away old year, new year speechless into the closet only without the flair |