28 May 2009 - 4:31 p.m.

dear diary,

some days are worse than others, and the last couple days have been tough. the nausea and dizziness are not pleasant. (luckily the only time i ever puked was on the airplane to europe.) neither is the depression which has forcefully reared it's ugly head.

next week i hope to finally see a doctor. i am terrified for so many reasons. i don't want to be judged, or scolded, or made to feel more ashamed or irresponsible than i already feel. doctors aren't supposed to make you feel like that, are they? i hope the OB/GYN i choose is understanding and empathetic.

i had lunch today with on old friend who is 7 months pregnant. hers, like mine, was not planned or expected. (but at least she is married and employed.) she's had a really great, healthy pregnancy. makes me think i need to calm down.

i asked her so many detailed questions. i don't think she was on to me. i was tempted to tell her, but decided not to. i mean, nobody knows except the boyfriend, me and you, diary. telling just one person, prefacing it as "a secret", is too much a burden for anyone to bear.

the boyfriend and i talked and decided we didn't want to tell anyone we're having a baby until after we get married. we plan to elope, but his "brilliant" idea is to do it in september when we go on a trip to new england. like i really want to get married when i'm 6 months pregnant...and like i can really keep the baby secret that long. i'm sure i won't be able to hide the inevitable.

speaking of the whole marriage thing, lately i've been feeling really perturbed about the talk of getting married, but no engagement. i totally thought he was going to propose in europe. he didn't. now we know i'm pregnant, and he's talking about marriage, but what about the engagement? i'm already going to miss out on a real wedding, honeymoon, etc. do i not at the very least get a proper proposal?

i'm not the kind of girl who would normally freak out or stress about this type of traditional pageantry, but there is a new sense of urgency we can't deny.

what the fuck is he waiting for?

i can't even talk to him about this because i don't want to make him propose to me. anytime you make somebody do something, it just never feels sincere.

i know he loves me. i know he is 110% committed to me. i know he wants to marry me. this, i know for sure. but being in this situation - pregnant without any type of true commitment - leaves me feeling....bad. i wish he would give me something real to hang on to until everything becomes "official".

i can't stop wondering how my doctor's visit is going to go. aside from all the awfulness i already expect, i wonder if the baby is ok. is it developing ok? is it healthy? is there a heartbeat?

i never used to understand people who would proclaim having a baby as "a miracle." i mean, people pop out babies all the time. but after doing so much research on everything that could go wrong, i now understand what everyone is talking about.

when i get scared or worried about my current situation, i close my eyes, take a deep breath, and tell myself "everything will work out. it always does."

god, please not let the present be an exception.

cali

previous - next

have you read these?

it's tricky
16 June 2009

O negative
15 June 2009

our baby is going to be a sagittarius
12 June 2009

i guess i should be a little excited?
11 June 2009

pins and needles
10 June 2009