17 January 2009 - 6:52 p.m.

dear diary,

the boyfriend ditched me tonight - a saturday night - because his friend had an extra ticket to the sharks game. he was going to pass on it because he felt bad leaving me alone, but i told him to go. i wanted him to go. sometimes i just like to be alone.

i'm not really alone. i've got my two four-legged friends with me. my pup, and the puppy we're fostering through a puppy rescue. the two dogs have gotten along ok all week, but i just looked over to find my 6 year old male pup mounting the 5 month old female puppy. certainly a show of dominance. once i broke that up, a fight between the two ensued which i let go like a referee at a hockey game. dogs need to work their issues out on their own (assuming they aren't ripping each other to shreds).

i've been feeling really weird lately, questioning my purpose, questioning the direction my life if taking. questions...so many questions.

the boyfriend and i haven't made love in two weeks. he explains it away by telling me it's because he was sick one week (with a cold, nothing major), and this week i've got my period. i did give him a blow job last night because i felt it was my girlfriendly duty, but once the deed was done, he fell asleep. no cuddling or kissing. i'm beginning to feel the romance dying; that we're just great friends and roommates. (he officially moves in next month.)

i just feel really bummed, and don't know how to talk to him about it without him getting defensive.

i've been questioning if i do want kids soon. or ever. the foster puppy requires lots of energy and patience, and i'm afraid i've passed my time for giving so much. i'm able to manage the puppy because i know it's temporary. but all my friends are having kids, and i see the life being sucked out of each and every one of them! i'm not sure babies are in the cards for me.

i know the boyfriend definitely wants kids. this could be a problem. however, if we aren't having sex, maybe not so much of a problem after all.

i guess i'm just at this funny place in my life. crossroad upon crossroad. makes me think of the robert frost poem:

The Road Not Taken

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference

and with that, i shall ponder life from my sofa, with the sharks game on the tv, us weekly firmly in my clenches, two puppies at my feet, and maybe a bottle of wine to make me forget it all, for one night at least.

cali

previous - next

have you read these?

beggars can't be choosers
03 February 2009

grateful for my great man
02 February 2009

ready. set. sit.
28 January 2009

big, fat mess
22 January 2009

going wireless
20 January 2009