10 June 2009 - 6:54 p.m.

dear diary,

after researching various OBs in my HMO, i finally called yesterday to get an appointment. much to my dismay, the receptionist on the other end of the line told me all their doctors were booked 6 weeks out. (i just find this hard to believe. they have, like, 12 doctors!)

when i told her i suspected i was 12 weeks along, i expected some sense of urgency, but she just told me i'd have to go to the clinic and the on-call ob/gyn would examine me, and i wouldn't be able to pick my doctor. i'd basically get whoever happened to be around.

after i hung up the phone, i cried. i don't know how to navigate around this HMO, and doctors in general scare the shit out of me. (it's my fault - i've always been a reactive patient, and never kept up with preventative health measures. am i the only one?)

knowing this isn't something i can just ignore and it will go away, i took a deep breath this morning as i dialed the phone number of the same HMO, different location. i had considered this location and this group of docs before calling the other location yesterday, but had discounted them because they are affiliated with a less desirable hospital. but, one of the docs i researched got really good reviews on yelp (yes, this is how i am finding a doc), and looking at the photo of her on the website put me at ease. she looks very sweet and empathetic.

the receptionist was very nice and was able to get me in for a consultation this friday. the consultation is with a nurse, but at least it's a step in the right direction. once she hears i'm (now) 13 weeks along, i'm hoping i'll get some sort of VIP treatment (e.g. next available appointment with the actual OB.)

i'm still freaked out. i'm afriad i'm going to be scolded for not being proactive. i already feel ashamed and embarrassed. i don't need anyone to make me feel worse. and of course, i'm afraid of all imaginable things that could be wrong with me...cancer, stds diabetes, high blood pressure. hopefully i have none of these things, but you never know, and i would never know since i haven't made any effort to find out.

i'm going to try to focus my attention on telling the nurse that i'm really scared and need to know that me and the fetus inside me are both ok and healthy. fear of the unknown has been driving me crazy and causing me depression, so the sooner i know what's going on inside me, the faster i will feel at ease with the whole situation.

i've realized that as i've gotten older, i've become less and less interested in becoming a mother. and after really thinking about it, it's not that i don't want kids. it's that my fear of having to face doctors and my health has been greater than my desire to have kids...which is sick and twisted because i've been letting my fears steal from me something very beautiful and amazing. if i can just get passed this fear - which i know i will be able to do as soon as i confront it, and talk about it with the nurse and doctor - i think i will be ok. i mean, what is the worst thing the nurse or doctor can say or do to me? they can't tell me i can't be pregnant anymore because i was a poor example of a healthy person, right?

so, yea. i can sleep well tonight, but i know tomorrow night i'll be on pins and needles.

now, having said all that, there is a part of me that wonders if i am still pregnant. when the boyfriend and i were in europe, we messed around a few times, and after one orgasm, i started bleeding. bright red blood. i freaked about it at the time, but just like every other scary health issue that goes away in a day or two, i put it out of my mind. when i took the home pregnancy test some three weeks later, it came out positive. but what if that bright red blood was me miscarrying? the pregnancy hormone would still have been in my body, thus the positive test. the reason i even think about this is that i have kind of stopped "feeling" pregnant. many of the early symptoms have subsided. from what i've read, at 13 weeks they should be going away. but what if i miscarried 5 weeks ago and didn't even know it?

man, all this thinking about the "what ifs" is taking an emotional toll on me. i feel bad because i'm just not the person i used to be and my boyfriend must be feeling a little bummed about it. shoot, i don't even want to be around me right now.

hopefully friday's appointment will give me some peace of mind...

in other news, i have phone interview tomorrow with the hiring manager at a company i sent my resume into last week. i don't feel prepared at all. the interview is at 2pm. i figure i can prepare tomorrow morning. i don't even know how i should prepare. my mind is so far out of the career game right now.

cali

previous - next

have you read these?

controlling the burn
17 June 2009

it's tricky
16 June 2009

O negative
15 June 2009

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12 June 2009

i guess i should be a little excited?
11 June 2009