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08 August 2009 - 9:29 a.m. dear diary, i've started to feel button squirming around in my belly. i actually started feeling her/him about one or two weeks ago. over time the movements have become more "advanced." (that's my kid!) had i not researched what it would feel like before i actually felt it, i probably would have attributed the little jolts to gas or muscle spasms. even at 21.5 weeks, it's still so strange to believe a little life is growing inside of me. i hope all this activity will mean a better view of button when we return for the ultrasound the week after next. we still haven't told a soul that i'm pregnant. being almost 5 1/2 months pregnant and not sharing the news is pretty weird, i suppose. the delay is part denial, part shame, and part fear. i want to be sure button is healthy before i share the news with my parents. this is their first grandchild, and i don't want to get them all excited about a grandbaby only to have to the deliver some bad news to them. so, the latest dilemma - tell them after the ultrasound, or wait one more month until i see them? they are coming for the wedding, you know. we set the date - september 18 - and are slowing but surely getting all the logistics in place. officiant is hired, photographer/hair/make-up person (my sister) confirmed, hotel room is booked, and i am working on the dinner reservations today. we're getting married during an evening ceremony on the beach. just us and family and the pup, who will act as ring bearer. i wouldn't have it any other way. my biggest stress over this wedding is finding something to wear. what fits me today will likely not fit me and my growing baby belly in 6 weeks. i'm thinking of buying a dress (not a wedding dress, just a dress) that is too big, then getting alterations closer to the wedding date. i think that's my only safe bet. as for the job, i've been there a month now and - ho-hum. man, i totally don't want to be there but an expectant mother has to do what she has to do. they are totally in the dark about my wedding and baby plans. i supposed i need to let them in on the plans, one at a time. wedding first, baby later. i feel like such a dirty rat. with everything going on to keep me busy, i still feel quite alone. keeping secrets means keeping a certain distance. more than anything, i miss my friends. my two best friends live out-of-state, and i feel a little shafted that they aren't here. i suppose once button arrives i will make new friends with new moms and we'll become just like the women before us, who can't carry on a conversation without mentioning breastfeeding and lack of sleep and poop. oh, the joys of motherhood!!! cali |
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